This is some old info too – (previous post to catch you up on relationship issues from the past, present and what has brought us to this point)
Moving along in my daily saga – trying to get you caught up to current day. I previously had a long conversation with Chunk, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us. There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain. I can’t say that anyway I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.
So, last Thursday, Chunk and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us. I said some things I should have said a long time ago. He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said. Following the talk we had some amazing sex, ended up soaking my bed… that was nice for a change. Crazy thing is we were talking about when we first met and how I was cheating on him with another guy, this is what led us to having sex. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true. That’s not the only time I have cheated on him, which I am not proud of, and he has always been there. He told me how he knew I was up to something on Friday night and it freaked me out. He said he could tell that I was excited and scared by my body language. He said he knows my signs. He says I cannot lie not even with my body. He says he watches everything I do, how I talk, the tone in my voice and that there were all sorts of signs that something was going on. He then told me that he left 20 mins after I did to go by my friend’s house to see if I was actually there and that he went by her house 3 more times during the time I was gone. He even took pics to prove he had gone by there. Before I went home I stopped by a drive thru to get a drink and he said he saw me coming down the road and he pulled through the parking lot to see if anyone was in the truck with me and couldn’t see so he pulled around and sat across the parking lot and waited to see if he could see anyone but didn’t wait and went on to the house to be there before I got there. I said well what if there had been someone with me what would you have done. He said I would have asked you to make them get out.
I had a meeting on Tues night. I figured he thought I was not really going to a mtg. So I asked him if he doubted I was going and he said no. He said I hadn’t given him a reason to doubt me. I said well I did on Friday. He said I didn’t show any signs. That’s when he told me what signs I showed on Friday night. I was sorta shocked and pissed that he knew me so well.
Then we started talking about (MM)… he doesn’t know his name though. He asked if I had talked to him (the guy from Friday) since and I said yes and he said a lot, and I said every day. He asked if I had spoken to (MM), tonight? I said not on the phone but he did text me. Chunk looked so sad. I said he’s known about you and I have known about his wife since day 1 and Chunk then asked when was day 1 and I said over a month ago. I think he was shocked about that. So onto the serious stuff… I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more. I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control? It got really quiet and then I said well say something. He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser. I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well. I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone… so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself. I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim. So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame. I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full-time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now. I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house. He cried. He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son. I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated. He knew I was serious. He asked what he was supposed to do with that information. I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want. He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days. I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it. I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent-up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…. THEN this morning I get a wake up message from (MM) which was nice… he usually always waits for me to wake first to text him. Then I called him and was talking and then had to go so I could get dressed, I then get out of the shower and all of a sudden hear Chunk in his room… he was there while I was talking on the phone with (MM)… hopefully he didn’t hear me on the phone with him… I’m sure he didn’t he would have said something. He was supposed to have already been gone to school. So then I get to work and (MM) has already called my work phone just to leave me a voice mail I was like hmmm what’s up with all this attention again all of a sudden… like it was before. Was it me bringing to his attention yesterday that things had changed slightly in our texts and emails by some of the words or was it me telling him that I am not in any rush here, or was it me saying I wasn’t worried about his divorce being a pain in the butt-that it wasn’t going to stop me from liking him or affecting the way I feel about him, or maybe it’s the fact that his wife got plastered last night and he got nosy when her phone started blowing up and someone “NORA” was talking about meeting up Friday and being sorry that “she” missed her call and then when looking back farther it said when do I get to meet your daughter?? and then when he looked at saved voice-mails it turns out there was one from a “NORA” who happened to be a dude… haha. He was almost giddy this morning when he was telling me that his soon-to-be ex-wife was seeing someone else. He was glad that she was moving on and hopes that motivates her to get her own place sooner than anticipated. Anyway… I like the extra attention… I’m an attention whore, no problem admitting that !!
So, it’s nice to finally breathe… it’s a relief to remove some of this load from my shoulders and the knot in my stomach is not so tight at this point….
~THE FLIRT~
Harmless Flirting 