The rest of the story – prev post

(Wish I had good old Paul Harvey to tell “The Rest of the Story” – some previous info to continue your review)

I had a few more questions that come up from Dr. M and a couple of other friends, so I wanted to give the others of you that might be interested in some further details some more background info into this chaotic confusion !!!

In regards to the matter of his wife still living in the apt w/ him. He has thought about getting a new place for him, but he moved down here about 6 mo ago the first time they split and so she is not on the lease and she can’t afford that apt by herself. So he can’t really leave her there w/o him still being responsible for the apt. (Recent Update) He found out that there is a buyout option where he can pay a certain percentage to buyout the remainder of his lease without penalties and he said this might be the best option and then he can just move to another place without worrying about the lease there.

He has also offered to help her pay her deposits and first mo rent to get her a new place, but she is dragging her feet. She has looked at a couple of places. She wants to stay close to where they are now because it’s close to her work and she doesn’t want to be to far from her work. She asked if she could stay there until first of Feb to help save her some money. She said she was going to get her a part-time job on the weekends but hasn’t done that as of yet do to the binge drinking she has been doing. As soon as his daughter left to go to his mom’s she has been drunk almost every night. Driving drunk and everything. She has already had 1 DWI in the past and he’s hoping she gets another and that will give him more than enough reason to get sole custody. She isn’t fighting him for any of his 401K or full custody or anything right now… so he’s trying to keep it as easy as possible and not piss her off, that’s why we are trying to keep it low-key. If she finds out about me, she could take half of everything and then try to fight for custody which will just take more time and more costs in court. Right now she seems to be talking to some other guy too, not that she will admit it, but he heard the voice-mail one night when she was trashed. Well his mom was unable to keep up with his daughter and they were bringing her home earlier than planned, and his wife got pissed. She said that this was supposed to be her break time and why wasn’t his sister helping his mom and maybe she would at least keep her through Christmas. I couldn’t believe her. He says she doesn’t care about being a mom – I see that for sure. He forwarded me her texts about it, I was shocked.

If he does get sole custody how do you feel about being a mommy? Are you prepared for that?

I hope he does and that would be perfectly fine with me. I love little kids… especially at the age where they are not completely RUINED yet  Everyone always tells me I would make a great mom – I just never found the one I wanted to have a kid with. But I do adore my sister’s kids and have had a hand in raising them and I do have a few friends who’s kids I love to spoil rotten as well. I wouldn’t mind spoiling his little girl. From the sounds of it her bio-mom is a piece of shit mom. This baby girl deserves so much more !! The mom is 29 and he says she acts like she is 16. She has a prescription drug and drinking problem. She has already been to rehab once and sounds like she hasn’t beat it yet.

He’s been having it rough the last week since his daughter got back. His “ Satan” is really pissed about having to watch their daughter all day while he works and she is really giving him attitude about it. He ended up calling the cops on her the other night when his daughter came home, she took off and got plastered. He called the cops and hoped they would find her and get her DWI. They got in a huge fight when she showed up at 3 am after saying she wasn’t coming home at all. Things are going down faster than ever… can’t say I’m not happy about that. It puts him in a yucky mood though, not with me, but stresses him out which definitely puts a damper on his mood. It definitely affects the way he talks and chats with me. Not really in a bad way, just little differences. He just isn’t so mushy all the time and he complains a lot about her. I feel like a lot of our conversations revolve around all the bullshit she is doing to piss him off and how much he hates her and hates it there and how miserable he is… I can only take so much. I keep trying to keep a smile on my face and stay positive for him and try to make him smile and laugh and distract him from the obvious whenever possible, but its hard. Today while we were talking on my lunch break he said something about me not emailing him the way I used to and as often as I used to. I then told him well why should I, you don’t hardly check your email or respond anymore… then he felt bad. I told him he had been pretty lackadaisical lately and he was slacking. He said he was such a horrible boyfriend and he was so sorry. I was really just giving him a hard time, but in the same breath letting him know, I noticed he was slacking. He said I tried to explain I was worried about getting in this mood and I didn’t want you to see me like this and I didn’t want you to take this personal if he became pissy and upset about all that was going to happen in this divorce process. I explained to him that I understood his frustrations and I would be in the same boat if it was me. I also told him that it was okay for me to see him moody because I’m sure it won’t be the last time and that I needed to know I could stick by him in bad times too… I told him he was lucky I loved him as much as I did. He agreed that he was a very lucky man. Well I try to keep a happy face on… but deep down I just wanna scream at him. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT !! I told him my situation is just moving faster than yours. He said well mine is moving along, I said NO it’s not. He said well it is, it’s almost to the point where I just say FUCK IT… I wanted to say why should it have to get to that point??? I didn’t though. I don’t want to come off pushy. So then he gets home to her saying that she is in trouble and has to go up to her office. She is a receptionist at a dr office and she was suppose to be checking voice mails and calling people back and the drs found out she wasn’t and called her and told her to come up to the office to talk to her. He thinks she might be getting fired. He said he doesn’t know what he will do if she gets fired. I wanted to say – kick her out on her ass. But I know he won’t. So here is how our texts went….

(MM)– She is waiting on the doc to get there to talk to her.
Me – I see
(MM) – Why would she be coming up there unless they wanted to fire her?
(MM) – They already had a stern talking to her last week.
Me – Did you hear her talk to them? Are you sure that’s where she was really going?
(MM) – she just called me from there.
Me – Oh, guess she’s there then.
(MM) – I texted her and told her to bring something home for dinner so she has to come back and I can tell her to pay her half of the rent before she blows it on beer.
(MM) – Here is the text she sent me
SATAN – She hasn’t gotten here yet. Do you want me to call a delivery order and I can pay with my card?
(MM) – Here is what I replied.
(MM) – We will be fine! Please drop off the car seat in my truck if you decide to go on another binge.
Me – why would she have it delivered unless she doesn’t plan on coming home tonight?
(MM) – exactly !!
Me – I’m sorry you feel responsible for her.
(MM) – Financially by law I am until we get legal separation or divorce.
(MM) – I don’t know what to do if she gets fired.
Me – so she moves out or you move out and then you still have to take care of her till divorce is over?
(MM) – not if she moves out.
Me – what if you move out?
(MM) – Then I have abandoned the marriage.
Me – I just think her behavior as of late is putting your daughter in danger and that alone should be grounds to remove her from that unsafe environment.
SATAN – Your dinner should be there in about an hour, it’s paid for including the tip, from cowboys chicken. I got you the enchiladas with no cilantro and pookie chicken nuggets w/ extra corn fritters and mac n cheese and 2 brownies.
(MM) – (to her) Why do you do crap like that? You make me so made sometimes. That was nonsense.
SATAN – Most people would say fn thank you.
(MM) – (to her) most people would have discussed it first. You are NOT working that damn late.
(MM) – (to me) that was the last of our conversation. How stupid does she think I am?
Me – guess your eating what she says tonight. LOL You just thought you had a choice. LOL
(MM) – I won’t eat that crap. I am cooking dinner now.

You know… it’s bad enough to hear it from him… I can’t tell you how mind numbing it is to have to read their fights with each other through texts that he send to me. Where on earth did he get the notion that I would be interested in seeing or knowing this??? I have never asked to see texts or ever sent him anything Chunk or I have ever said to each other… sorta strange.

ANYWAY !!! I’m sorta glad this horrible cold/cough I have already has me horse with no voice, cause if not, I think I could scream until I lost my voice.

I so want to take a huge swig of cough syrup and wrap up in a blanket and hibernate until my alarm goes off in the morning.




I need a vacation – prev post

(previous post…I’ve been in this turmoil for several months now)

My head and my heart are in desperate need of a vacation. I so need to get outta my head. It’s what has me so confused these days. Between my head and my heart, I am likely to have some type of breakdown and not in a good way. I feel myself questioning everything these days. I am snippy, grumpy, moody, and emotional all the time and I hate feeling that way. I don’t know if it’s because I am sick… started with a cough a few days before Christmas and then Christmas it went into a full on hack session. I swear my head is going to pop off during one of my next coughing episodes. I can feel the cough down deep in my chest. My throat wasn’t hurting to begin with, but now with all the coughing it’s raw now and I am on the verge of losing my voice. I’m sure there are some thankful people out there for that one. Anyway, Chunk has been trying to take care of me and has made a few trips back and forth to the store to get cough meds and drops and soup and that’s very helpful. Yet he still finds a way to irritate me when trying to joke around. He should know me well enough by now, I don’t like to joke around and such when I’m feeling sick. I had to remind him of that last night. My ex-husband, JTM, called and we had a long talk about all kinds of things from his son being here for the holidays to family to a girl he met. He actually told me that this girl was really sweet and when he first met her she reminded him of me. I was flattered. He kept telling me how wonderful a woman I was and how I deserved so much better and so much more than Chunk and he wanted me to be happy and that he was always gonna be there for me. It was really sweet. I try to keep my distance from him, because I don’t know what would happen or how I would feel by seeing him in person after all this time. JTM is the only man I ever truly loved enough to marry. I had plenty of options prior and a couple since, but nothing and no one has ever come close to JTM. I’ve never had those strong feelings for anyone until I met (MM)… so that’s sorta what freaks me out about (MM).

I’m doing my best to put on a happy face and just have some patience and see what happens. I just have such mixed feelings. I do love Chunk, I know that. He makes me laugh, he makes me very comfortable (well until lately). He loves me unconditionally and that’s a great feeling. He adores me, he worships the ground I walk on. He is in love with me and attracted to me and affectionate and a great kisser. He does lots of things for me. He puts up with my shit. I can be a brat and controlling and demanding and just a bitch sometimes and he puts up with that. He knows me very well, he likes some of the same things I do… but is that enough? Should that be enough? Should I be satisfied with that? Should I just not rock the boat? He loves my family and they love him. (FINALLY) He gets along with them and would do anything for them as well. It’s taken a long time for it to get to this point and now that it’s at the best point that it’s ever been – I am contemplating ending it all? Then recently he gets word that at the first of the year he will no longer be asst mgr, he is going to be the mgr. he’s only got 2 more semesters of school and then he can get a better job in his field? I mean really ?? Am I doing the right thing here? What exactly is it that I am missing. I know Chunk has always told me he wanted a better job that paid better so that he could spoil me the way he wanted to and so that he could take care of me, it’s finally getting closer to that point and now I’m about to jump ship?? Is that the smart thing to do? I’m I being greedy? Selfish? I guess I can’t forget how hard the first 3 years were. I guess I can’t forget how long the road still is until he is off probation. I just fear that at any time he could revert back to his old ways… that is my biggest fear.

(MM) keeps asking me what’s wrong and he asks what my biggest fear in our relationship is and I really don’t know what it is. I have so many fears at this point. He said his is that I won’t wait on him to get out of all of this mess and that he will lose me. I sorta really don’t want to do anything as far as getting Chunk out of the house until I see more of a finish line nearing for (MM) and his “satan”. I just want to know that it is closer to an end before I put mine on the brakes completely. But then again, I think even if I don’t have (MM), Chunk is not making me 100% happy either and would I not just be better single? I hate that idea though, I hate how much colder the house feels without another person there. Even if we are in different rooms, just knowing he is there gives me comfort.

I still have the looming problem of Chunk getting custody of his son and after the recent events that occurred while at his mother’s house and CPS being called in and all of her children being removed from her care, it looks like Chunk will be getting full custody a lot sooner than we expected. That freaks me out. I thought I had more time. I know I have already had multiple conversations with Chunk about me not wanting his son to live in my house full-time and I know that really upsets him, but I cannot take on that task at this time in my life. I cannot handle that heartache and stress, it’s just too much. I am fearful of his son and he is of the age now that he can do more damage than he did when he lived with me at the age of 11. Some of the recent things he has done as of late to teachers and coaches and to his own mother just have me fearful. I have tried to explain it to Chunk . He swears he would never let anything happen to me, but he cannot be there 24-7 to protect me and my household and my things and my animals. His son has already caused so much trouble at the foster home he has been at for the last week that they are talking about having him institutionalized until we go to court on Jan 2nd. I am so in a panic over all of this moving so fast. I feel overwhelmed. Every time I see a school shooting, or a mall shooting, or mass attack, I think about this kid. I think that this is just the type of kid to do such a thing. I made Chunk sit down with me a couple of weeks ago and watch a Dr. Phil episode about parents who were afraid of their sons and it was about parents of kids who had either already shot up a school previously or ones that feared they would. They spoke about signs to look for and all of them fit his son. I kept looking over at Chunk and saying does that sound like someone you know. It was eerie how similar and how much they fit his son. It’s very frightening. When he was 11 and lived with me, I took it upon myself to take parenting classes for “special needs” children. To learn how to discipline in other ways, etc. I learned how to have goals and consequence boards and things like that. Things the child could see and know ahead of time what would happen if they didn’t follow the guidelines/rules. This was one of the first times his son had real stability. He didn’t take to it very well and got angry at me one day. The teacher called me at work to get me to have Chunk call her cause she couldn’t get a hold of him. She said I don’t want to tell you this, but #^(*@#$ has drawn a picture of you with a knife in your head. I was like WHAT?? Ummm okay. What the heck do you do with that news? How do you sleep soundly at night after hearing such a thing? Well the kid is now 15, much bigger and much more violent… and I am much more nervous and afraid when he is around. That is not a situation I want to live in on a daily basis. I have been fine with the weekend visits every other weekend, but on an every day basis, I would be a nervous wreck and I don’t think it’s fair of me to be that miserable in my own home, so I felt it only right to be honest and tell Chunk which I did, on a couple of occasions to make sure it was perfectly clear. So it looks like we are going to need to do some apt hunting very soon for him and his son !!


Just another Kink – prev post

(just to cause myself more trouble – more drama I added to the mix – previous post)

I was trying to look back to see where I had mentioned this fella before and could not believe it, but I have yet to mention, ~Dg~ to you guys. So I am just gonna have to catch you up – quickly.

There is a guy that I have known for years, probably almost as long as I have lived here in the area. He is married and has been as long as I have known him. We have had an ongoing relationship for over 10+ years off and on of course. He loves me to death and he really is an awesome guy. Our relationship has been more than just a physical one, it’s been a great friendship and we have done quite a few things other than the physical stuff. I broke down and emailed ~Dg~the other day after I sorta came to the conclusion that I was pretty much over Chunk and he was ecstatic that I did. I tend to pull away from him whenever I am in a relationship, but that’s understandable right ? I mean… that’s natural right? So I haven’t spoken to him in a while. I had emailed with him a couple of times back in October when he begged me to go with him on a business trip to Vegas… if only? I wish I could have gone.

Anyway….he has always been there and I guess I was just bummed out and wanted to talk to someone I was close to and that’s why I reached out to him. I think about him all the time, I just don’t reach out to him cause I know he wants to see me more and I know it’s hard when I’m living with someone, when I was single it was easier cause he could come over whenever he wanted.

Anyway. I was so emotional last week for some reason… not sure really what it was, but I got off late and I went shopping to avoid Chunk. My sister had called me and was asking why I wasn’t shopping with Chunk and was he doing it all. I just felt overwhelmed, like people were pushing this holiday down my throat. Chunk had been calling my sister and talking to her about what to get her kids and he was the one shopping for her kids and my family and it was just sorta odd. Then I had (MM) on the other end telling me that he wished he was with me for Christmas and what he wanted us to do next Christmas and it just made me wish all of this was over with NOW.

So I was in the store shopping and then (MM) text me to see if it’s okay to call… and when he did, he said what’s wrong, he could tell in my voice and I just started crying, it was awful. I was like I can’t talk about this right now, I cannot stand here and cry in this damn store. So I told him I would call him back… in the middle of this ~Dg~ was texting me asking what I want from him if I am involved with Chunk and have this other guy that I’m interested in. He says he does not want to be #3. He says he misses me and that I always pull away from him and that hurts him. I told him I have never been #1- he’s married. It was just a cluster F. Anyway…. it was just an emotional night. I settled down after I finished shopping, got some cute new clothes and that definitely made me feel better  Retail Therapy is the BEST THERAPY there is !!!

(MM) and I talked for a while after that and he makes things better, it just seems as though things are just moving so slow. It really sucks. He keeps saying how it sucks that we both want the same thing and are stuck in situations we are trying to get out of so we can be together and it’s not moving fast enough. I know exactly what he means. I just have no clue what the heck is going on. I’m not a patient person but I am trying so hard to be, but it’s so difficult for me.

Anyway, back to ~Dg~… ~Dg~ kept asking when he was going to get to see me and he wanted it to be soon. I had to think it over and try to work up a plan. So I got to work on my plan. I just recently got in contact with an old friend and co-worker. She is a girl I used to hang out with a lot who I actually introduced to her now husband years ago. We lost touch when she changed jobs and I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of years. She ended up marrying my ex-husband’s brother, so when my ex-husband found me, he told me about them getting married and I told him to give her my number and she called me. Sooo she wants to get together soon. Sooo I had mentioned getting back in touch with her to Chunk and on Wed of last week I told him that she wanted me to come over to their new house and see her after I got off work. I knew this would give me time after I got off to go home and change and leave before he got off work and got home. So I was anxious… and nervous. I mean I haven’t been with anyone but Chunk in 2 years. I mean yeah I have had a couple of kisses with (MM), but NOTHING other than a couple of pecks. I knew there would be more when going to see ~Dg~.

I knew I just needed a good fucking !!! That hopefully was on the menu! So I rushed home, jumped in the shower, had to shave my legs and make sure the kitty was good to go… She’s always shaved, so she didn’t need much care that evening, but a lotion rub down was a must !! Then I put on my slinky black dress some black and red leopard print undies with lace trim and black lace bra and my new black leather knee-high, heeled boots and took off out the door. I’m a pretty smart cookie, so I grabbed a pair of jeans, socks, t-shirt and sneakers and stuffed in a bag and took that along too. There’s no way I could explain that outfit and going to see a girlfriend… so I brought my visiting a girlfriend outfit to change into later. I rushed over to ~Dg~’s house since his Mrs and boys were out for the night and that gave us plenty of time to “visit”.

I wish he lived closer, but unfortunately it took me about 45 min to an hour to get to his house and he had me pull into the garage. He immediately grabs me and pulls me in close to hug and kiss me. Tells me I smell amazing and how the hell am I gonna explain that outfit. I laugh and tell him not to worry, I brought a change of clothes. We go into the house and he proceeds to show me the lounge room they have just finished upstairs. Huge wrap around sofa with equally huge Tv. He immediately mutes the game that was on and focused all his attention to me. I love when a guy does that. There were a few hellos, but not many  He began to kiss me and make up for time lost, that’s for sure. He ran his hands up and down my body easily sliding across my slinky dress. The material of this dress somehow turns me on as it slides across my skin. He then pulls me up to stand up in front of him and proceeds to ask me if I have on some sexy panties for him too? This was a little new. I don’t ever remember him doing this before. He had me stand in front of him while he sat on the edge of the sofa. He had his hands on the outside of my thighs and told me to show him my panties… slowly. So I slowly raised my dress until my red and black leopard panties with the black lace were exposed to him. I felt vulnerable, exposed (odd since I had been exposed to this man for many years) but so turned on. He slid his hands up my legs and to the heat that was already stirring. He rubbed me through my panties. For some reason, maybe just the teasing aspect of it, but for someone to play with me through my panties – drives me insane. I love to be teased. My legs began to tremble. He then slid both his legs in-between mine and quickly spread my legs apart far enough that I fell down onto his lap. As I was now straddling him, he grabbed my ass and pulled me closer to him as my breasts pressed against his face, he pulled my dress up and off and tossed it aside. He reached around to undo my bra and release my breasts from their restraints. This was the first time he’s got to see them since I got them pierced. So that excited him of course. He proceeded to attacked them, which he usually does anyway. I couldn’t help but grinding myself against him. At this point I am only in my undies and my knee-high leather boots. The thought of this is just wild to me. I proceed to make my way down his body with my tongue, stopping to suck and nibble from time to time. I get down to his sweat pants as I pull them down and release his excitement. I’m now standing in front of him with feet slightly apart, I bend at the waist as I lean down to kiss and lick the head of his dick. I feel almost like a cat, with my ass in the air. My back arches some as my ass reaches higher in the air just as I go down on him. I take him completely into my mouth as he lets out a deep groan. He whispers for me to take it easy cause I am gonna make him come to early. I try to slow my speed, but I was into it. I kept it up and sure enough, he was coming and squirting me in the back of the throat in no time at all. He was surprised when I told him I hadn’t done that in forever. (Chunk hasn’t been so lucky lately) ~Dg~ said I sure haven’t lost my touch. I didn’t figure I had, but it’s nice to know

I was so disappointed at this time… I so wanted more. I so wanted to be thrown down and just banged. I knew at this point that wasn’t going to happen. ~Dg~ had his wisdom teeth removed the day before and he was in a lot of pain… he really was kinda quiet and just not his usual aggressive self. We laid there together for a bit. He went to get some water as I put my dress back on. He said what the hell when he came back. I told him I didn’t want to catch a chill. He grabbed me and tossed me back on the couch as he ran his hands up and down my body until he stopped to tease my clit for a while. I can take only so much teasing of the clit until you just have to probe me. I’m not a fan of clit stimulation only. Unless it’s a point where I am so horny that I could dry hump your leg and cum in about a min… that’s a little different. This time I was soaking wet and just wanted him inside of me. He knew it too, that bastard… he kept smiling at me and would watch my back arch the closer he got and then pull back… I was on the brink… When he finally probed into the core of me, I almost exploded from the anticipation. It was hot and hard and he knew what buttons to push for sure. The orgasm lingered and it was nice. Really nice. He then licks my juices from his fingers and kisses me. He knows he drives me crazy. He apologizes for not going down on me, but says that his mouth will be better next time and he will be down there for hours. I said HOURS? that’s not necessary !!! I can’t handle hours of oral… I would be climbing the walls like something out of the next possession movie.

I ran down to the car to get my change of clothes and went to the bathroom to clean up before changing into my other outfit. We visited and cuddled some before it was time for me to head home. I didn’t want to get home to late. So the evening was a success for the most part and I wasn’t questioned by Chunk when I got home either, which is an even bigger success !!


Riding The Line

(some oldies but goodies – stuff to catch you up on)

So (MM) brought it up this week that he loves the way I make comments that ride the line at times. He explained that they can mean one thing but if he takes it the naughty way then I always act so innocent and say I didn’t mean it that way at all… He knows I do it on purpose, which I usually do !!! I love the fun flirting we do. Our conversations never have much if anything to do with sex, which is kinda strange for me since I am such a very sexual being. But that’s sorta what makes things so amazing with us. I love the innuendos and the flirting and the teasing that goes on between (MM) and I. I wanted to share some of those with you. He admits to being so much more brave over the phone, through texts and emails than he is in person… but he is even warming up and getting braver in person as well… It’s fantastic. It’s so exciting the banter we have between the two of us. He admitted to me on the phone the other day how crazy I make him and how much I turn him on and drive him crazy… that’s ALWAYS something a woman loves to hear from the man she is crazy about.

texts from last week- FEW MONTHS AGO

MM– I’m home now baby – someone got off early today
MM– or fired – never know about her!
MM– How’s work baby?


MM– Hey baby! How are you?
me – I’m good, U?

then I sent him a pic of a car flying through the air into the roof of a barn – this was a joke b/c I had told him about an accident I had on the way to work one morning where I missed a turn and jumped a drain ditch and a couple of cars behind me stopped and were talking and said it looked like the dukes of hazard how my car flew… anyway…it was a funny pic so I sent it to him

MM– is that your car?
MM– I hear you can really fly?
MM– I miss you baby!
me – LMAO, not my car
me – Miss you more
MM – Not a chance
MM – I am getting frustrated, so I’m going to bed pretty soon!
MM – she is drunk once again!!
me – Sorry hon.
MM – I can hardly wait to talk to you tomorrow
MM – I think I will do all of our driving!
MM– I want to have control of the car !
me– LMAO
MM – I’m scared!!
me – of what?
MM – your driving!
me – Ohhh babe, that was a long time ago, at least 2 months, LMAO
MM – I freaking love you
me – j/k my last accident was over 5 years ago. Just giving you a hard time.
MM – I’m about to hit the hay sweetie. I can’t wait to talk to you in the am. Don’t forget you have to be at work at 7 tomorrow. Love you! Good night sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite! If they do, beat them with a shoe till they are black and blue.


me– I made it to work, thank you for the VM it makes me feel special
MM – You are very special!
me – Well thank you, and I hope I make you feel special, I sure try.
MM – You do baby! I promise you do!!
me – yeah me ! Well I hope you always feel special even when your giving me a hard time and I have to put you in your place.
MM – Oh Really!!
me – YEAH and before you even say it… I WILL bring it !
MM – Damn, it’s sprinkling
me – uh oh, do you melt when you get wet? (this was a trick question)
MM – Heck yea I dissolve! That’s what happens when sugar meets water.
me – Hmm I should have worn some boots today, it’s getting deep.
MM – Now now, facts are facts !
me – Well facts can be proven too – I’m gonna have to get you wet and see if you melt.
MM – WOW! Did you just go there? (I love when I wow him)
me – What babe? Go where? What are you talking about?
me – I love to WOW you ! but only if the WOW is a good thing
MM – And how you plan to do that?
me – How do I plan on what, darling dear sweet baby? (most innocent look ever- you just can’t see it)
MM – You’re not innocent
MM – If you only knew
me – If I only knew what??? It’s your job to inform me honey!!! So do tell !! You know your braver in your emails  hahaha so bring it baby
me – I hope your laughing, cause I am thinking about your laugh and it’s definitely making me smile.
MM – You always crack me up.
me – I love to make you laugh. You still haven’t Brung it… You Scured? Yepp !!
MM – Easy now, we are at work!
MM – Can’t get like that at work, our minds will be elsewhere and we will start making mistakes.
MM – Are you trying to initiate dirty talk baby?
me – OMG that was so funny that I actually laughed out loud. That sounded so clinical !! No honey. I prefer the innuendos and the teasing. Those are more fun !
MM – Am I going hear from you at now???
me – Yes love… Gotta go to the ladies room and then will call your sweet ass !!! MUAHHHHHH

**at this point he was on his work phone talking to his boss while I was waiting I could hear him talking so I started texting him while he was talking to his boss these things…

me – I love that sweet voice of yours
me – I’m so crazy about you !!!
me – I can never talk to you enough. Never get enough of you.
me – Just gonna blow up your phone while you talk to your boss
me – Now would be a good time to tell you what I’m gonna do to you
me – How would you concentrate knowing what I would do to you and try to talk to your boss while I am telling you?
me – Does that distract you at all?
MM – Your so wrong babe! I would prob start stuttering and trip all over my words! However, you work in an office! What if I sent you those same messages while your at work?
me – OMG – don’t take my idea and turn it around on me – that’s cheating!
me – I would love for you to TRY to distract me  I can handle you mister!
MM – I love your laugh! Your a sweetheart! I hope I can keep you feeling good about us! You are a very special person!
me – As long as you stay yourself I will always feel GREAT about us !! You are an amazing person and very special to me !!
me – I love the way you make me feel !!
MM – I miss talking to you already!
me – There is something I have wanted to do since I heard about it
MM – What is it?
me – Go to the ICE exhibit
MM – Where is that?
me – In grapevine, I think it looks really cool – hahaha and cold 
MM – Ya think?
me – I don’t know… With you around the ice might melt ! Don’t get to close to it !
MM – I know something that won’t be melting! (OHHH yeah, is he gonna go there???)
me – What’s that which won’t melt?
MM – Someone will be perky! (YES – he went there)
me – OHHHHH NOOO YOU DIDN’T !!! I can’t believe you would look at other women in my presence !! LMAO !! (I gotta be a smart ass-now)
MM – other women???
me – Well then who is going to be perky? Ohhh you were saying YOU were going to be perky??? So the cold make you perky huh??? Good to know !! LMAO
MM – No, I will have to stick a fire up my ass to make him come back out after being that cold!
MM – I’m talking about you being perky when we go to the ice exhibit! Don’t worry, I will keep them, I mean you warm! (he’s getting more daring – Love it)
me – WOW !!! You really went there !!! LMAO !!! Picking my jaw up off the floor now !!!
MM – Sorry, just thinking out loud!
me – Well I couldn’t hear you so I am glad you shared it with me
me – I seriously doubt that my love. I’m sure I could think of some way to warm you up. You have me laughing so hard right now.
MM – You think so?
me – I’m pretty sure I could come up with something.
MM – I’m headed home now babe!
me – Okay my sweet baby. Be safe. Keep yourself in one piece!!
MM – I wish it was to you!
MM – I love you bunches more!
me – Oh heck to the no you don’t !!! I love you the most and I so have that same wish !!! THAT DAY WILL COME !!
me – By the way…you keeping “them” warm just might keep you warm too  so problem solved   See, I’m a genius !!!!
MM – Now that makes for some good thoughts.

he drives me crazy already !!!


The perfect Gift – (prev post)

(This was previously posted the day after my birthday – Dec – 22-2012)

Last weekend was okay for the most part, I suppose. I can definitely feel the distance growing with Chunk and I… it sorta sucks. I just don’t really care to do too much with him at all as of late. It’s really hard to fake it. My mind is always consumed with (MM)  so it’s hard to concentrate on keeping Chunk happy. He’s getting to where everything he does is starting to annoy me. He notices the changes as well. He has commented and asked why the new distance between us and why I have changed as of late. I’m just not interested in having this holiday or my birthday this year. My heart is with (MM) and that is where I want to be. I had a lot of chances to talk to (MM) this weekend, so that was great. He always makes everything better and brings a smile to my face.

I can’t really share too much with people around here cause most of my friends know Chunk and I’m not sure how they would react for sure about all that is going on. I have a couple of friends I have confided in with a little information and they are pretty happy for me. I went Christmas shopping, but only ended up buying for myself and for (MM)… that’s awful huh? Chunk keeps asking if I got him anything and I keep telling him no, which is true. I hate to say it but I won’t put much into the thought of that one, like I did in the one for (MM). I ended up giving Chunk my credit card and told him to go and buy himself a new hard drive. That’s what he was wanting anyway. He will love it and I can not stress over it. I really thought long and hard about my gift for (MM) and finally found what I wanted. In one of our older conversations he had mentioned that he had always thought about a money clip but never got one. My grandpa has always had one as I grew up and I always thought they were so classy. I finally found what I want and it only took me 5 stores before I found one good enough. I didn’t want something cheap looking or flimsy that wouldn’t last long. I found a beautiful Kenneth Cole money clip at Dillard’s and I love it. I took it to Things Remembered to get it engraved. I was creative – I’m a genius in case you didn’t know !!!! I had it engraved with Samantha (squared) – you know with a little 2 in the top right of the a…. his daughter’s name is Samantha also…. isn’t that brilliant ??? So now he will always have his 2 favorite Samantha’s with him at all times. He will never go anywhere without us. I thought it was genius. I also thought that if “ Satan” (that’s what he calls HER) happens to see it, he can just say it means Samantha is 2… which she’s 2 this year  so when he saw it, he immediately made the connection with the Samantha (squared) for the 2 of us. Then I also explained that he didn’t have to hide it or worry about “ Satan” seeing it cause he could always explain that it’s to represent Samantha and her being 2 years old. The smile on his face could not have gotten any bigger. His face just lit up and he said that was genius. He was super excited. He said he loved his gift. He grabbed hold of me and hugged me and kissed my forehead and thanks me for everything I do for him and always being there for him and how mush he appreciates me. It was wonderful. It was now my turn. This silly man of mine is always trying to give me such a hard time about everything. He kept insisting that he had a censor put on my gift that would notify him if I opened it before Christmas day and I would be in trouble if I didn’t wait. I was like no way !!! So he was so nervous that I wasn’t going to like it. I knew I would love it for the simple fact that he gave it to me. So he kept telling me the night before that it had a lot of meaning behind it to him. So as i opened the gold wrapping and gold ribbon, I pulled out a small box. I was so nervous – I opened the box and my heart instantly melted. I took a deep breath, it was beautiful. It was from the Kay Jeweler’s open hearts collection. It was 2 hearts open facing each other and inside an angel wing. He then asked, do you see that it’s in an angel wing? I said yes, he said do you know why? I said why? He said do you realize how much you call me angel? It never really dawned on me because I have never used that as a term of endearment or a pet name toward a guy, but I do say it to (MM) quite a bit. I was shocked and touched at the same time. He explained the story of talked to the sales person about it and telling her that I always call him angel and she said I think this is the one then… and he agreed. So he told her to wrap it up. I was in love with it !! It’s beautiful and I absolutely love it. He also bought the lifetime warranty on it and gave me the papers and said we need to take it in regularly to have it cleaned and shined and all that good stuff. He’s the best !!! Even though he says that’s not possible cause I am… we can wrestle over that one later

The time we had together was way to short, but it was fantastic !! We briefly talked about when Jaxon bit my hand a few months back and then he went into telling me how his bro trains dogs and how you have to show them dominance and get them down on the ground on their backs and hold them down by the throat and show them who’s boss and they will surrender to you… I couldn’t help myself. I love making him blush. I proceeded to tell him, so that’s how it’s done huh?? I need to get you down on your back and hold you down huh??? I told him I wouldn’t hold him down by the throat but would probably have to use my body to hold him down in submission. He smiled and blushed and we both grinned and laughed. I told him to tell his brother thank you for the pointers and that I will give it a try to let him know how it works  (MM) laughed and said I was bad… but he loved it. We finally had to say our goodbye’s so that he could go and meet up with his mom who was bringing his daughter back to town. Leaving him is always torture.

As we are driving down the road, we get to the light where I am to go straight and he is turning left… He then calls me, as I answer and say hello, he instantly says I love you. I said well I love you too. He said I just wanted to let you know in case you forgot. He said you better never forget. He then told me that I had already found a way to always be in his pants. I laughed and told him, now I just have to figure out how to get him always into my pants… then I said, NOPE, that’s your job !!!

This man continues to amaze me each and every day. My heart is bound to explode. I just don’t know how it can hold all of these amazing feelings this man gives to me. I’m so anxious to begin our future forever together. It cannot begin soon enough. I know we are setting the ground work and we are building an amazing friendship base and it’s going to be the strongest base for anything in the future to be built on, but I’m excited to see what’s ahead for us.


It’s gotta be said – (prev post)

This is some old info too – (previous post to catch you up on relationship issues from the past, present and what has brought us to this point)

Moving along in my daily saga – trying to get you caught up to current day.  I previously had a long conversation with Chunk, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us. There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain. I can’t say that anyway I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.

So, last Thursday, Chunk and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us. I said some things I should have said a long time ago. He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said. Following the talk we had some amazing sex, ended up soaking my bed… that was nice for a change. Crazy thing is we were talking about when we first met and how I was cheating on him with another guy, this is what led us to having sex. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true. That’s not the only time I have cheated on him, which I am not proud of, and he has always been there. He told me how he knew I was up to something on Friday night and it freaked me out. He said he could tell that I was excited and scared by my body language. He said he knows my signs. He says I cannot lie not even with my body. He says he watches everything I do, how I talk, the tone in my voice and that there were all sorts of signs that something was going on. He then told me that he left 20 mins after I did to go by my friend’s house to see if I was actually there and that he went by her house 3 more times during the time I was gone. He even took pics to prove he had gone by there. Before I went home I stopped by a drive thru to get a drink and he said he saw me coming down the road and he pulled through the parking lot to see if anyone was in the truck with me and couldn’t see so he pulled around and sat across the parking lot and waited to see if he could see anyone but didn’t wait and went on to the house to be there before I got there. I said well what if there had been someone with me what would you have done. He said I would have asked you to make them get out.

I had a meeting on Tues night. I figured he thought I was not really going to a mtg. So I asked him if he doubted I was going and he said no. He said I hadn’t given him a reason to doubt me. I said well I did on Friday. He said I didn’t show any signs. That’s when he told me what signs I showed on Friday night. I was sorta shocked and pissed that he knew me so well.

Then we started talking about (MM)… he doesn’t know his name though. He asked if I had talked to him (the guy from Friday) since and I said yes and he said a lot, and I said every day. He asked if I had spoken to (MM), tonight? I said not on the phone but he did text me. Chunk looked so sad. I said he’s known about you and I have known about his wife since day 1 and Chunk then asked when was day 1 and I said over a month ago. I think he was shocked about that. So onto the serious stuff… I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more. I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control? It got really quiet and then I said well say something. He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser. I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well. I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone… so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself. I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim. So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame. I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full-time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now. I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house. He cried. He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son. I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated. He knew I was serious. He asked what he was supposed to do with that information. I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want. He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days. I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it. I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent-up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…. THEN this morning I get a wake up message from (MM) which was nice… he usually always waits for me to wake first to text him. Then I called him and was talking and then had to go so I could get dressed, I then get out of the shower and all of a sudden hear Chunk in his room… he was there while I was talking on the phone with (MM)… hopefully he didn’t hear me on the phone with him… I’m sure he didn’t he would have said something. He was supposed to have already been gone to school. So then I get to work and (MM) has already called my work phone just to leave me a voice mail  I was like hmmm what’s up with all this attention again all of a sudden… like it was before. Was it me bringing to his attention yesterday that things had changed slightly in our texts and emails by some of the words or was it me telling him that I am not in any rush here, or was it me saying I wasn’t worried about his divorce being a pain in the butt-that it wasn’t going to stop me from liking him or affecting the way I feel about him, or maybe it’s the fact that his wife got plastered last night and he got nosy when her phone started blowing up and someone “NORA” was talking about meeting up Friday and being sorry that “she” missed her call and then when looking back farther it said when do I get to meet your daughter?? and then when he looked at saved voice-mails it turns out there was one from a “NORA” who happened to be a dude… haha. He was almost giddy this morning when he was telling me that his soon-to-be ex-wife was seeing someone else. He was glad that she was moving on and hopes that motivates her to get her own place sooner than anticipated. Anyway… I like the extra attention… I’m an attention whore, no problem admitting that !!

So, it’s nice to finally breathe… it’s a relief to remove some of this load from my shoulders and the knot in my stomach is not so tight at this point….


This and That and More

Some old thoughts (previously posted back in Dec/early Jan) you might want to know about….

I am trying to play catch-up with some of these posts. Trying to fill you in on what’s been going on this week in As-My-Confusion-Continues!! Some of the conversations I am including are ones between a person that has become a good friend of mine over the last month or so and a great source of advice. I appreciate his point of view and the suggestions he gives me. He’s a great listener !! Let’s call him Dr. M. just in case I want to share some of his wisdom with you guys  I gotta give him credit

Dr. M was asking me where my heart was at… at this point… and all I could say was that my heart is wound up all over (MM). I can’t explain the crazy pull I have toward him. It’s insane and yes it’s very overwhelming too. But it’s not a sexual feeling. I am scared to death to start over though. I am scared to death to wait also… I just don’t know what I am going to do in the mean time. I really don’t know what the hell I am thinking. My mind is so fucked up right now. I have never connected with someone on a level like this so fast. It so odd. I don’t know what the hell to do. I was just looking for someone to tell me what to do so I didn’t have to make that decision… but Dr. M didn’t fall for that. He knew and told me that I was the one that had to make that decision and of course he is right, I know that.

Some of DrM’s wise words – You can’t just dwell on the starting over aspect of this. What would happen if Chunk were to dump u? You would start over. It’s just another chapter in your life story. U have already made the decision to go forward with (MM) deep down in your heart and soul, so open the door and step through it and don’t look back.

I love this advice from Dr. M. he was soooo right and he knew it before I was even 100% sure or ready to admit it to myself that I was already hopelessly in love with this man deep down.

More awesomeness from Dr.M. – Believe it or not I am very happy for you. Not everybody can find their soul mate and the person in whose arms they want to take the last breath of their lives . It seems you have found such a connection and to be honest you need to grab it before it walks away never too be found again.

I love this advice too !!! It just freaks me out a little. I haven’t been single or alone in so long I don’t know how to be alone right now. I talked to my ex husband for a long time recently, Tommy is his name. He wants me to leave Chunk regardless. He thinks I deserve better and he said that he knows I have no problem pulling men and wants to know why the hell I am settling. He said he can hear in my voice how unhappy I am with Chunk. I really didn’t know that it was that obvious. I guess I have just gotten so used to it. So accustomed… damn, that’s really a drag. I caught Chunk looking at rings online last night on his laptop when I passed through the hall… I almost had a panic attack. I sorta want to runaway a little bit. I’m terrified at this point. I have only felt this way about one person in my entire life and that was my JTM, the man I married. I thought he was going to be the one forever. But he turned out to be someone else after I married him. So I hope this one turns out a little different. (MM) did tell me that the other night, when we met, he had not a care in the world and time sorta stood still. That did make me feel good. I’m just afraid for what will happen to Chunk. This might do him in and that terrifies me.

Dr. M. asked me – Think (MM) is a good lover??

Gosh, I don’t know… that’s a good question. He wasn’t a very aggressive kisser. I don’t know if that’s because he was shy? or a gentleman? or nervous? or not too experienced?

Dr. M – In all likelihood it was a combo of all of the above !! but most likely nerves, was there some spark?

There was definitely a spark. It was sweet and gentle and soft at first. Then later after he made me look him in the eyes while he told me he thought we could have something good going on and he wanted to see what we could do together as far as a future… then it was a little more passionate… not to heavy though. There was definitely a spark. One of my biggest turn ons is for a guy to put his hand on my lower back and pull me into him. And although I was in a dress, shame on me I know, I was straddling the bench and up against his hip and he had his hand on my lower back and had me pulled all the way up against him. It was so sexy. The material of my dress was so thin, you could feel the thin string of my panties through it and it was such a turn on as he ran his hands up and down my back to keep me warm. I had my arms folded in front of me tucked into his chest. It was very sweet and very sexy. I’m trying not to replay every moment in my head, that’s what fucks me up !!! I so can picture myself sitting on the top of that picnic bench in front of him with my legs straddling him, leather boots up to my knees, dress barely covering my thighs. While I was sitting on the bench, it was a metal bench and my ass was bare against it, so the wind was chilly against my butt…. I am gonna have to blog about this !!!!!!! The more I think about the details the hotter it gets !

I will definitely be writing a new fantasy about this scenario… so tune in for that. I will let you know once it’s finished.